Installment #36 Cynthia

                                        
     Cynthia stood looking at the collection of photos on Tuckers mantel.  There was the small picture of Marge and David on their wedding day.  There was a framed picture of the home place on Reber in St. Louis.  The third and final picture was of Tucker when he was 50 years old standing behind a green Norton.  The caption attached identified it as a 1970 Commando 750 “S”. His 6’2” frame towered over the bike.  She turned the picture over and read the message that was taped to the back, “Tucker, found this photo in a box.  Printed it on some of the canvas we make and framed it.  I think it was shot around 1985.  Hope you like it.  Mark”

     Cynthia knew Mark and his wife had a business in St. Louis, but had not thought what it was.  So Mark was into photography?  So was Tucker.  He had his own studio back in 1968.  She had seen a lot of his work and while she knew very little about photography, she knew he was good.  He liked to take pictures of people being people and they did not always know he was taking them.  He had shown her how he could hold the camera under his arm and focus and click and no one knew he was doing it. 

     She turned the photo back over and ran her finger over his face.  He had sunglasses on, so she could not see his beautiful blue eyes.  He was a handsome man.  What had transpired in his life to bring him to this point?  What had transpired in the cosmos to bring her to this point?  Had they met in a different time and place, would she have been his wife?  Would they have had a family?  She had never dared to dream along those lines.  Tucker was a very unemotional man, but had they met when they were younger, it might have been different.  She knew that when he was in high school and after, he had dated Janice.  Had she hurt him so badly that he could not trust another woman?  Had he remained so in love with her that there was no room for another love? 

     She placed the picture back on the mantle.  She felt Tucker beside her before she saw him.  He had a presence that she could feel.  What was that about?  It was like there was a connection between the two of them.  She turned and suddenly was overcome with emotion.  Tucker held her as she cried.  “Oh, Tucker!  What will I ever do without you?”

     “You’ll be alright.  This is not the worst thing that has happened to you and you are a very strong woman.  I am not leaving you because I want to.  You know that, don’t you?”  Cynthia suddenly felt very selfish.  Tucker was dying and she was making him feel guilty!  That was not how it should be.  She straightened and took her head off his chest.  The moment was over and the closeness that had held the two together for just a few moments still lingered in the air.  Cynthia knew instinctually that they had taken a step that could never be untaken and she wondered what it all meant in the grand scheme of things.  There was no future and they both knew it.  There was no past.  No past and no future.  There was only the journey into the unknown which would end at the grave.

Installment #36 Cynthia

                                       

     Cynthia stood looking at the collection of photos on Tuckers mantel.  There was the small picture of Marge and David on their wedding day.  There was a framed picture of the home place on Reber in St. Louis.  The third and final picture was of Tucker when he was 50 years old standing behind a green Norton.  The caption attached identified it as a 1970 Commando 750 “S”. His 6’2” frame towered over the bike.  She turned the picture over and read the message that was taped to the back, “Tucker, found this photo in a box.  Printed it on some of the canvas we make and framed it.  I think it was shot around 1985.  Hope you like it.  Mark”

     Cynthia knew Mark and his wife had a business in St. Louis, but had not thought what it was.  So Mark was into photography?  So was Tucker.  He had his own studio back in 1968.  She had seen a lot of his work and while she knew very little about photography, she knew he was good.  He liked to take pictures of people being people and they did not always know he was taking them.  He had shown her how he could hold the camera under his arm and focus and click and no one knew he was doing it. 

     She turned the photo back over and ran her finger over his face.  He had sunglasses on, so she could not see his beautiful blue eyes.  He was a handsome man.  What had transpired in his life to bring him to this point?  What had transpired in the cosmos to bring her to this point?  Had they met in a different time and place, would she have been his wife?  Would they have had a family?  She had never dared to dream along those lines.  Tucker was a very unemotional man, but had they met when they were younger, it might have been different.  She knew that when he was in high school and after, he had dated Janice.  Had she hurt him so badly that he could not trust another woman?  Had he remained so in love with her that there was no room for another love? 

     She placed the picture back on the mantle.  She felt Tucker beside her before she saw him.  He had a presence that she could feel.  What was that about?  It was like there was a connection between the two of them.  She turned and suddenly was overcome with emotion.  Tucker held her as she cried.  “Oh, Tucker!  What will I ever do without you?”

     “You’ll be alright.  This is not the worst thing that has happened to you and you are a very strong woman.  I am not leaving you because I want to.  You know that, don’t you?”  Cynthia suddenly felt very selfish.  Tucker was dying and she was making him feel guilty!  That was not how it should be.  She straightened and took her head off his chest.  The moment was over and the closeness that had held the two together for just a few moments still lingered in the air.  Cynthia knew instinctually that they had taken a step that could never be untaken and she wondered what it all meant in the grand scheme of things.  There was no future and they both knew it.  There was no past.  No past and no future.  There was only the journey into the unknown which would end at the grave.

Installment #35 Mark

     Mark Bollinger hung up the phone and turned to his wife.  “Well, that was Tucker.  His cancer has metastasized on his spine and pubis.  It does not look good for the old boy.”

     Sue watched Mark.  She knew how important Tucker was to Mark.  Mark had been 12 years old when he had met Tucker.  At that time Tucker had been living up the street from Mark in St. Louis.   Tucker had lots of old motorcycles in his garage and Mark was fascinated with this cool, old guy.  Hero worship, she was sure.  But over the years Tucker and Mark had kept in touch and remained friends.  Tucker had helped Mark restore his first bike and it was a bond that had never been broken or  bent. 

     “Well, honey, what do you think?  Is there anything you can do?”  But she knew before he spoke what was coming.  She knew this big bear of a man and knew that inside the rough exterior was a marshmallow.  Mark would give up his life for his friend and Tucker Fuhrman was his friend.

     “Well he has to go through 10 days of radiation.  He won’t be able to drive.  Somebody needs to be there.  I am sure his brother won’t be able to, so I guess that leaves me.  I know you can keep the shop on an even keel without me.  If I didn’t have all the faith in the world in you I wouldn’t even ask.”

     “Oh?  And is this how you ask?”  She laughed.  “And since when do you need to ask my permission?  Honey, I know you better than you know yourself.  Of course you are going to Pueblo.  He would do the same for you.  I just want to know when you are leaving.”  She reached down and picked up the little Yorkie and cradled it in her arms.  Mark reached over and rubbed the head of the little dog.

     “Just as soon as I can pack and gas up the truck.”  He turned quickly away so she would not see the tear glistening in his eye, but he was not fast enough. 

Installment #34 And the doctor said...

     Cynthia sat in her car at the Cracker Barrel.  She wondered how she would know when Marge and Tucker pulled into the lot.  She had no idea what kind of car Marge drove.  No doubt some sort of SUV.  Marge was an artist and travelled with her supplies, so she needed room for them.  She was not looking forward to this meeting at all.  What if Marge did not like her?  What if she said something wrong.  Tucker had not discussed Marge at all.  Oh, well.  She was sure Marge was out of her league as far as class went, but screw that.  She was here because Tucker wanted her here.

     She watched as a big, black Lexus pulled into the front parking lot.  No, that was not Tucker getting out of that one.    Not the Silverado either.  She had about given up when a little green and white Mini Cooper darted in the drive, made a quick left and then a right into a parking place without a moment’s hesitation.  Tucker would not be able to get into that one and if he did he would never get out, that was for sure.  And yet she watched as the passenger door opened and Tucker began to unfold his 6’2” frame out and up.  He spotted her watching and shrugged his shoulders.  Cynthia laughed.  Tucker smiled.  Then she turned to look at the woman getting out of the driver’s side.  So this was Marge.  Not at all what she had pictured.  The only photo Tucker had of her was on her wedding day to David.  That photo was 20 years old and Marge was a smiling bride with flowers in her hair. 

     Marge turned and looked straight into Cynthia’s eyes and then reached out and folded her in her arms.  “Tucker was right.  You are a very kind woman.  It shows in your eyes.”

  Cynthia wondered at that statement, but then turned her attention to Tucker.  He looked very handsome today, but there was an aloofness about him that bothered Cynthia.  Maybe it was just that Marge was with them.  Maybe they had gotten bad news at the doctor.  Tucker was very quiet all through lunch.  After the dishes were cleared away and the waitress brought more coffee and the ticket, Marge broke the news to her.

     “Tucker’s cancer has metastasized on his spine and his pubis.  That is where the pain is coming from.  He is going to go to 10 days of radiation to stop the cancer and help get him to a place that pain pills will actually work.  This is not going to stop the cancer or make it go away, just make it manageable for the time he has left.”  Marge stopped talking and looked carefully at Cynthia.  Cynthia looked at Tucker who looked out the window, lost in his own thoughts. 

     For a few moments, Cynthia was miles away watching her husband die.  She suddenly felt very cold inside.  Cold and empty.  She looked at the two strangers beside her.  This was not right.  This was not good.  This was not how it was supposed to be.  She had not dated for a long time after Rick and Tucker had been her first attempt at a relationship, if it could be called that.  They were friends and friends were not supposed to just die like this.  She wanted very much to reach out and touch him; to hold him, but he was the one that made the rules and touching was not acceptable. 

     She turned to look at Marge and was shocked to find her intensely watching her and the pain in her eyes was palpable.  “Cynthia, I am so very sorry.  Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?  You do know that I will handle all his medical appointments and make all the connections and make this as easy as I can for him and you.  I love him, too.”

     Cynthia wondered at the use of the word “love” in connection with her and Tucker’s friendship.  She quickly realized that this was not a time to question the use of a word.  “Isn’t there any hope at all?”

     “Well, where there is life there is hope, but no, there isn’t.  The cancer has spread and the only hope of radiation is to slow it enough to let us get his pain under control.  But, of course you can hope.  Hope and pray and all the things you need to do to live with this and help him through it.”  She stopped as if frozen by a thought.  She weighed her next words very carefully, “That is if you want to help him through this…”

     Now it was Cynthia’s turn to be taken aback.  “Well, of course!  I am in for the duration, whatever the outcome.  Tucker is very important to me.”  They both turned to look at Tucker who was still looking out the window, lost in thoughts of what?

     As she brought her eyes back to meet Marge’s she suddenly thought of a big hourglass being turned upside down and the sand was slowly drifting down.  With a heavy heart she smiled at Marge.

     “Guess you and I are going to get to be pretty good friends, huh?”

     Marge smiled brightly, “Oh, yes, sweetie, I can see that happening.”

 

Installment #33 Cyndi

      Cynthia sat very quietly as Tucker told her about the trips to the ER, the pain, the call to Margie.  She had known something was wrong, but no inkling of what it was.  She looked into Tucker’s eyes and saw the pain.  She stood up, stepped to his chair and put her arms around him.  She felt him tense as she laid her cheek on his head.   She held him a moment longer and he began to relax.  For just a moment, she was a woman comforting her man; but just for a moment.  She wiped her tears away and walked to the kitchen and began to pile dishes in the sink.

     “What happens now, Tucker?” Tucker joined her at the sink and began to run water over the mess. 

     “Well, Marge is taking care of it.  There will be tests, then she will come down and we will get results and then we will know what we are dealing with.”

     “Does she have any ideas?”

     “No.  Or if she does she did not tell me.  I want you to meet her when she comes.”  It was a matter of fact statement that almost stopped Cynthia’s heart.

     She knew how close Margie and Tucker were.  She knew that him wanting her to meet Margie was an act of faith on his part and even more important then meeting his brother, Anton or his biker friends.   Tucker was taking her into his inner circle and did not even know it.  Margie and David had been through a lot with Tucker.  Many years and many Christmas’s.  They had been together through thick and thin, business and social, drunk and sober, happy and sad.   Margie and David were family to Tucker. 

     She smiled at Tucker.  “I would love to meet them.  Thank you, Tucker.” 

     The conversation seemed to be over and they sat in silence.    

     Cleo looked in the window and Cynthia walked to the back door and let her inside.  She went immediately to Tucker and placed her chin on his knee.  He patted her head mindlessly.

     Cynthia picked up the leash and stood.  “I think I will take her for a walk down on the river.  Feel like going?”

     Tucker smiled sadly.  “Not really, but you go ahead.”  As the woman and the dog opened the door, Tucker turned back to the television.

     Cynthia and Cleo quickly reached the levee and out of sight of the house, she was overcome with grief.  She knew.  Deep inside, she knew.  Tucker was not a whiner.  If Tucker hurt it was bad.  Cleo nuzzled her hand and she dropped to her knees, cradling the dogs head in her arms and wept into her shiny black coat. 

     “Oh, Cleo!  What now?  How can we help your Tucker?  What in the world can we do?”  Cleo looked toward the river and Cynthia knew.  Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time, and if need be, one second at a time.  Just be there for Tucker.  And as she looked down into the dark eyes of the dog her heart broke.  Tucker had found Cleo in the “No Kill Shelter” 3 years earlier when he first moved to Pueblo. She was considered unadoptable.  What now?

     Cynthia suddenly laughed.  What was she thinking?  They did not have a diagnosis.  She already had Tucker on his way out and he had not even been to the doctor!  Where was her optimism that had sustained her for so long?  Where was her faith in God?  She looked at the sky.  Beautiful blue.  Pure white clouds.  A very gentle breeze and the greatest dog in the world on the other end of the leash.

     “Come on, Cleo!  I will race you to the river!”  With that they started down the embankment, and the dog that was unadoptable went very slowly before her making sure to not pull the leash and cause her to fall.  As they reached level ground they paused a moment to breathe the river smell.  This was probably as close as either of them would be to happiness for a long time.  They set off down the river on the concrete sidewalk at a brisk pace. 

     God was in his heaven and all was right with the world…at least for this little bit of time.

Installment #32 A Plan Forms

     Marge listened as Tucker told her about the trips to the emergency room, the elevated PSA, and the excruciating pain.  Tucker felt better just sharing it with her and knew that he was in good hands.

     “Oh, Tucker honey, I am so sorry you are going through this, but you did the right thing calling me.  I am going to need you to call your doctor and give him permission to talk to me.  You may have to go in and sign a paper.  He will probably need to run some tests which you can get yourself to.  I will have him call you in a prescription for pain.  He will make you an appointment and I will come down to go to it with you.  The tests should give him something to go on in figuring out what is wrong.”

     Tucker suddenly felt hot tears flood his eyes.  Marge was such a blessing.  He was so lucky to have her.  Her and David.  A sob escaped his throat.

     “Oh, Tucker, honey!  I wish I was there for you, but I will be soon.  Have you told Cyndi yet?  She needs to know.”  She waited.  She knew Tucker well enough to know he was crying.  She really could not blame him.  She knew enough to know that this was serious.  Tucker did not just have a back ache.  She knew deep inside that this was connected to his cancer.  Hope as she might, she knew that Tucker was in for the fight of his life and she knew he was probably going to lose the fight.  Damn the cancer!  And damn her life for giving her the insight to see into the future and down the long road that led to nowhere.

     “I love you, Tucker.  Just remember that.”  And she slowly and very quietly replaced the phone in the cradle and turned to David, who was always there and never questioning.  

Installment #31 And so it began

     Tucker lay in his bed and felt the phantom pain.  It seemed to be his tailbone, if he had such a thing.  Maybe it was higher.  It was located right in the center of his back.  It was a pain like he had never felt.  It seemed to be inside his backbone.  He tried to think if he had strained a muscle lifting something.  Nothing came to his mind. And it did not feel like a muscle, it felt like a bone hurting.  It had only been a few days since he had seen the doctor.  How could a high PSA make him hurt like this?  It couldn’t.  He looked at the clock which showed 3:10 AM.  He could not call Cynthia this early.  And what could she do anyway?

     After a few moments he knew the pain was not going away and laying here was not making it any better.  He had taken 2 Advil and they had not touched it.  He was going to need something stronger.  Saint Mary Corwin Hospital was only a few blocks away.  He was going to have to drive himself there.  By sheer determination he put his feet into his shoes.  Luckily he had fallen asleep fully dressed so that was not a problem.  He made his way gingerly down the stairs, across the porch and into the BMW.  He caught his breathe and steeled himself for the drive.  Cleo watched from the front window as he backed onto Howard and then pulled forward to Corona.  Just a little while and everything would be better.

     The emergency room was very quiet and Tucker was very soon in a cubicle.  Blood work.  An x-ray. Questions and more questions.  Explain about the prostate cancer earlier.  Finally blessed relief in the form of a shot.  As Tucker felt the pain ebb away, he began to relax.  No he could not drive home.  Call someone.  John and Jessica lived next door.  They were both nurses so they would be up. 

     Three days later he was in the same emergency room and this time he had a ride to and from with the neighbor man.  But this was postponing the inevitable and he knew it.  He would have to tell Cynthia.  She was already suspicious of something.  He just wished he knew what was making him hurt so he could tell her.  Or get it fixed or something. 

     Tomorrow he would talk to her.  Tonight he was going to call Margie.  Margie had been a physician’s assistant before she came to work for him.  She had an extensive medical background.  He should have called her sooner.  But tonight he would remedy that.  She would know what to do and what doctor’s to contact. She had handled all his medical problems when he was in Denver, always knowing what questions to ask.  As he closed his eyes and drifted towards the bliss of the drug induced sleep he thanked God that he had Marge and David in his life.  Oh, and Cyndi.