Installment #39 The reality of it is…

     Cynthia and Tucker entered the medical building and took the stairs to the second floor.  The tiredness was gone.  He felt good.  Well, maybe not as good as he had before, but almost human.  He was glad Cyndi was with him.  It was kind of nice having someone to share part of his life.  He really enjoyed her company and occasionally he wished she would not go home at night.  It got so quiet with just him and the dog.  Mark was going to have to come back soon and give him permission to drive.  Tucker was nothing if not a man of his word.  He had told Mark he would not drive and he wouldn’t.  That was just how it was. 

     He checked in with the receptionist and then he and Cynthia walked to the window facing the mountains.  It seemed to be her favorite place.  Tucker wondered what she could see in the mountains that he did not see.  She seemed to have an ethereal quality about her whole body as she looked west.

     The wait was not long today.  He turned to Cynthia, “Come with me.  I know I am going to get good news and I want you to hear it.”

     Cynthia shrugged, smiled and turned to walk up the hall with him.  Soon they were seated in the small room waiting for the doctor. Dr. Bonine was his primary and that is who he would be seeing today.  Tucker smiled at Cynthia.  He liked to smile at her because she always smiled back.  Janice had been a lot like Cynthia, or Cynthia was a lot like Janice.  However that worked out Tucker knew one thing for sure, Cynthia was here and Janice was not.  Janice was long ago.  She was long ago and very, very far away.  Cynthia was now. 

     Dr. Bonine rapped on the door and then entered.  Tucker smiled at him and extended his hand.  Dr. Bonine gripped Tucker’s hand firmly and smiled.

     “Well, Tucker, you survived the radiation I see.  You are looking pretty good.  How are you feeling?  Any pain?”

     “Not a bit of pain.  I feel great and I am gaining weight.  I think that radiation did the trick on that cancer.  I think I have beat it!”  He smiled broadly at Dr. Bonine.  But Dr. Bonine did not smile back.

     “No, Tucker, you did not beat the cancer.  The radiation did not get rid of it.  It was never meant to cure the cancer.  When I told you it was metastasized it does not go away.  It is in the bone.  The radiation was to slow it down just enough to let us get you on a regimen of pain pills that could keep you comfortable and let us get your care lined out for your final days.  I thought I made myself clear on that when we talked about it.”  He stopped and suddenly saw Cynthia for the first time.  “And you are who to Tucker?”

     Cynthia swallowed hard.  “I am just a friend.  Cynthia Browder.  Just a friend.” 

     “Well, Tucker, is there anything else I can help you with?  I will call Marge and tell her about our talk.”  He turned and left the room leaving a visibly shaken Tucker and a very subdued Cynthia behind. 

     Cynthia spoke first.  “What a jerk.  I am sorry, but that man has nothing that faintly resembles bedside manner.  I am so sorry Tucker.  Let’s get out of here.”

     Tucker stood up and together they left the room.  They both knew they would never return to this room and they would never see this doctor again.  The two people that left the clinic were not the two carefree people that had entered.  Those two people had held out a hope for a future.  These two people had no hope for anything except pain, suffering and death.  The bagels were forgotten and the ride home was in complete silence.  When they opened the door to the house, it was stifling.  Cleo looked at them and turned and walked to the back door.  Cynthia let her out and then went to the sink and began to run dish water.  Tucker joined her.  As she stood with her hands in the water hot tears quietly ran down her cheeks.  Tucker glanced at her and knew he should say something, but there seemed to be nothing coming to mind.

     He started to the living room, but stopped and picked up the scales.  He walked to the back door, opened it and threw the scales as far as he could. When he passed Cynthia, he patted her softly on the shoulder.  He picked up the remote and turned the television on to the Fox news hour.  With a sigh he settled in his recliner and pushed back. He looked at the talking heads, but his mind was far away, very far away.  He was back in St. Louis with his baby brother in front of him on his first motorcycle.  Back home where momma was in the kitchen, daddy was at the mill, brother was petting the dog and Janice was next door.