Profile to catch a man...

This is going to be my profile picture.  At least until I can find that picture I had taken in my senior year.  Hey!  I am a senior and it was a senior picture!  I still look pretty much the same.  Sort of, any way.  So here is my profile as I am going to publish it.  I am getting all excited here.

That is not really my picture, but just see what is in store for you!  Lots of dessert!  I am an early to bed, early to rise kind of gal.  I can usually be found around the house in my jeans or cut offs, but if you have  a high class event that requires a lady on your arm and I am there.  Clean me up and I look damn good.  I can hold a conversation with the man on the street or the man that owns the street.  My friends range from the druggies in rehab to the auto worker in Detroit; from the waitress in the coffee shop to the Governor of the state; from the AIDS client to the CEO of the bank.  I can make you laugh or I can make you cry.  I have never met a human being that I did not connect with on some level.  I would love to join you for a cup of coffee and let's just see how that goes.

There you go.  Does that sound humble enough?  Seems pretty honest?  Forgot to tell them that the only time I have free is the block of time from 6:30 to 8:00 on Sunday evening, but they will figure that out.  I will leave this up for 24 hours and you let me know if I need to change anything. 

(Personal note to Joe..Hey man!  You snooze, you lose!)

Getting a little feed back here.

July 25, 2011  5:16 AM

  Last night I asked for help and I neglected to tell you that I will be publishing your emails and comments verbatim.  Not to worry though because this is all cut and paste so your name will not appear anywhere.  Unless of course, you want it to.  Just let me know.  And so,

  Got my first correspondence last night.  So now I need to figure out how to work this wonderful personality into my profile, me being humble and all.  But more importantly....Who in the hell is Joe!!  I could have saved $120.  (Idley wondering if there is a man out there worth that investment.)

OMG Lou the description of the male you are looking for is Joe lmao Talk about interesting evening conversation U forgot to add that U have a WONDERFUL personality and give a laugh every few minutes. I love you so you are not bad at all ( I am pretty picky lol )

7:09 AM

Well, I see the website is screwed up now that it is new and improved, so I am going to very quickly post this and wait and hope they fix it, assuming I can post this.

Recieved this comment this morning:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "To hell with Delilah, I want a little action here!...":

first thing about the humble part are you for real,:) J/K

#5 okay now you are making yourself out to be only a homemaker. And I know that you have a high society life. but gots to admit you can truely cook. Through a mans belly straight through the heart. Their gonners.


Posted by Anonymous to Delilah' s Dating Dilemma at July 25, 2011 5:47 AM

Well, thank you there anonymous, but for the record, if I am high society the world is in trouble.  Had a guy tell me once "You can pass for class until you open your mouth and that illusion is gone!"   And he sure as hell ain't around any more!

Gotta hit the publish button real fast and see what happens.

To hell with Delilah, I want a little action here!

  Well, I just happened to notice that little Delilah has sort of fallen short of the mark here, so this is what is going to happen.  I wanted to find out what Internet Dating was all about and I intend to do just that.  Delilah may pop in from time to time and give us an update, but in the meantime we, meaning me and whoever else out there has got the guts to do this, are going to do just that. 

 Now, I done checked around and she was right, this is a pricey little venture here.  Got a special for $19.95 for the first 6 months and that is paid in advance.  So I got $120 invested here and we are out to catch me a man!  Now the first thing I had to do was give them my email, age, location and stuff like that.  Now I need to write a "profile".  A profile means I have to tell these men what it is I have to offer them.  Not money cause the business office done got that.  So let's put our heads together and make this sound good.  I am going to throw something out there, much like a baited hook and you are going to read it and offer suggestions.  Hey!  I am not going to do this alone, so hang on kiddies, we are in for a bumpy ride!
 Let's answer these questions.  Feel free to throw in your 2 cents worth at any time.

1.  Height...Challenged
2.  Weight to Height proportion....Yes
3.  Sex..Yes
4.  Occupation..Sure
5.  Hobbies..cooking, baking cookies, washing, ironing, cleaning house, mowing the yard, shoveling the walk, washing windows, and generally degrading myself to make some man feel superior.
6.  Favorite song...Let me Entertain you! by Gypsy Rose Lee.
7.  Do you like to walk in the rain?...Hell no!  My mascara would run and that is not a pretty sight!
8.  What is your idea of a perfect first date?..Meet me at the coffee shop and let's see if we make it through the initial meeting. 
9.   What are you looking for in a man?...Well, preferably, one that is breathing, no cold hands, no nose hair, brushes his teeth regularly (or soaks them at night), no long hair (long hair on the pillow will be mine!).  He must have a very good sense of humor, will not be late when picking me up and oh, yeah, the deal breaker is drinking.  Lips that touch wine will never touch mine.  A Pina Colada on occasion or even a Martini every 6 months or so is alright, but wine and me do not get along at all.  I drank 2 quarts of wine  once, had the dry heaves for 5 days,  and still get sick thinking about that.  So, no wine.
10.  What do you expect from this site?...  Well, I know I do not want any diseases.....

Well, that wore me out!  I still got to do a profile which as near as I can tell is just a paragraph telling in my own words what I think of myself.  That should be a  piece of cake.  Tell me what you think here.

"Hi!  My name is Lou and I am a lot younger than that date says I am.  I am perky, although the breasts went south some time back!  I have a great sense of humor and can laugh at you all night long.  I live alone and am a very responsible person.  My bills are usually paid on time, sometimes.  I am active in the community, but not community service like you might be thinking.  If I am out in public and run into any of my kids, they usually speak to me, so you know I am a good mother.  And that is about all I know to say about myself since I am a very humble person.  Oh, I am not drop dead gorgeous by any means, but in the right light (Maybe a crescent moon?) I get by.  I am fairly intelligent.  Well, actually I am damn smart and I ought to know better than what I am doing, but I like to learn by experience.  So come on fellas, let's see what happens.  Oh, and no beer bellies and a tight set of buns is a plus!  Throw in a Harley and you are home free!"

Ok, there is is.  I will hold this profile and questions for two days and wait for some one to help me here.  Leave a comment.  You do not have to leave your name.  And Delilah, if you are out there, please feel free to save me from myself!!

See you in a couple days.

Okay, Lou, here goes, the confession of a lifetime, never again to be revisited. Do you rememeber that episode of Sex in the City? The one where in the end the advice of Carrie was to set the man free, the man who was so good at sex one women could not keep that all for herself, but to let him go so many women could partake in his talent? I get that now, 3 weeks of incredible sex, but nothing beyone that. A man who can give a women such pleasure is not meant to be kept, but to be shared. So it was fun while it lasted, but there was nothing beyond that. A man so gifted, sadly is a doormat. Damn, I sound harsh, but it is true. A woman needs substance, and good sex alone will never give her that. A good friend of us both had dinner with he and I one night and her comment was, she felt sorry for him, she knew I would never be his.  I must admit, I handled tellling him that I needed more, I did not do well. Am I heartless? What do you think? =

Well, girl, I been setting on this one for almost a week.  If you notice I changed one word and now I can live with it.  Got a reputation to maintain here, you know.  I got to go on record here as saying, you are giving me way to much information!!  Try to recall that I am an old lady and as such my idea's of dating and yours are way different.  I guess, though that this is what I wanted to learn when we started this venture.  I will state further, that anytime I am in the grocery store, or getting gas, or any of the myriad of things I do, and I see a male of your age and stature I wonder if he has been to Kansas City lately and I check out his butt!

You are going about this completely backwards of what I would approach it from. (I can not believe I just ended a sentence with an article and a preposition!!  You are corrupting me, girl!)  When I meet a new guy, we usually go for coffee.  Since I do not drink I do not spend time with those who do.  He better open the doors for me.  He better pay for my coffee.  He better keep his eyes above my chest and he better have a sense of humor.  Any alluding to the big nasty will be done when I am ready and not one second before.  First he has to get in my head.  Figure out all the things about me that I do not tell.  If this should happen then he may start to get a little place in my heart.  But maybe you have the right idea cause about all I am running in to is horny old men!

Got church dinner today so I got to throw together something yummy.  Sorry I never made it up there last week, but I never made it anywhere.  Can you believe gas prices?  Can you believe any of the prices?  Everything is going up because of gas prices.  Every thing except my social security that is.

Keep me posted, you vixen you!!  Are you coming down this summer at all?  Maybe we could meet at my sisters.  That is half way. ;)

Lou 

Delilah who?

Well, dear Lou, once again it has been several weeks since I have updated you, but there is a good reason for that. Remember the good kisser, well I was right, it was trouble. Good kissing turned into good everything, at least physically. Have to get some sleep, but will update you on the whole thing in the next couple of days. Have a few things to figure out.
=

Well, this little missive today was like a bolt out of the blue.  I thought you were dead and yet here you are alive and well and like nothing ever happened.  I wonder if you have  a life that does not involve a man?  I am beginning to think this online stuff may not have been your wisest move.  Oh, well, tonight I have too many things on my mind to worry about that.  But you should know that Shelly called the other day and was concerned about you.  Could you drop her a little line? 

I seen John the other day and he asked about you.  Seems he has an opening for our old job, if you are interested.  And yeah, I do want to know where that kissing thing led.  Or do I?  Lou 

Just maybe...............

How in the hell do you know this stuff, he sent flowers, more flowers and even more flowers, I feel as if I am in a funeral parlor. Oh man, why now, did Mr Jewish chose to do this, men are sooooooooooooooo infuriating and how am I to handle this situation. After all, he does still have those feet or was I just scared and looking for a way out? I have another date with the unbelievably great kisser tonight, our 3rd, I do believe I am in deep trouble. Damn it Lou, it has to be at least partly mens' fault that I am such a flake in these matters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =

Hey, yeah!  I am pretty sure this is all somebody else's fault.  Most of the crap in my life can be traced directly to some one else.  None of it is my fault.  Do you really need me to answer that foot thing?  Feet are feet, for crying out loud!  What could be so freaky about a foot short of having 6 toes on one foot and 3 on the other.  I think you already answered that question.

Now as to the kissing going on, where do you think that will lead?  I got a pretty good idea!  Times have sure changed since I was in the dating world.  I am not sure I could adjust.  Tell me this, are you still working?  Do you still have time to work? 

The wiccan and I are planning a trip that way and I think we are looking at the latter part of May.  Since I am working again I sort of need to take that into consideration.  Will let you know. 

Take it easy, girl, and do not let this online stuff take up so much of your time.  These guys will keep and if they don't, oh well.  Love to mom!

Lou

Got this yesterday but I been busy. I shall advise the girl!

Oh hell once again Lou. I have been AOL, I admit, but I have finally found a man I have extreme chemistry with. I actually winked at him first on the dating site cause I thought he was sooo adorable. He emailed me back within minutes and we IMed all night for 7 hrs. I have barely gotten any sleep this last week. We spoke on the phone for the next 3 nights, minimum 5 hrs and we finally agreed to met for dinner on the next night. It was so cute, I had jokingly told him to wear a blue carnation so I would know who he was, he was a few minutes late, he wore a pink carnation. He had gone to 3 differnt stores and was unable to find a blue one. I had butterflies for the first time in so long. We sat at the bar waiting for our table, I was quickly sipping a glass of wine to calm down cause he kept trying to hold my hand or touch my leg and saying, calm down it's just me. Oh lord, was he hot, and he kept telling me how beautiful I was, oh hell, I was melting. Our table was ready and we were so busy talking we took over an hour just to order. We fed each other and we kept talking til we realized we were the only 2 customers in the place. We walked out to my car and started to kiss, I don't think any man has ever kissed better. We sat in my car and kissed for 4 hrs, no joke, my entire face is chapped, literally, I think it is going to peel. Oh hell, oh hell, oh hell!!!
=

Well, in the first place, you have not been AOL cause that is my email and browser thing.  You have been AWOL which means away without leave, which I do beleive you have been.  Seems like this fellow may have made an impression at least.  Now the question being, if he is such a good kisser, who did he get all his practice in on?  You still have not told me how you know the difference between a guy who is serious and the one who is a player?  Or some hairy woman hiding behind the boiler in the bottom of a prison some where?

Spring was here until it snowed.  Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!